Entries in humor (1)

Wednesday
Nov272019

QUESTIONS and REFLECTIONS REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS

For some of us, summer has passed by too quickly, for others it lingered way too long.  Regardless, winter is approaching and the holiday season is in full swing.  Stores and businesses around here started decorating for Christmas before Halloween.  Bell ringers have been ringing away for weeks already and Christmas tree lots are open for business.  What’s the rush?  Can’t we enjoy one holiday at a time?  I guess that’s not the proper way to do things today; hurry and get it all done at once is the new mantra.

Something I’ve been giving too much thought to lately is candy.  I’m talking about the special candy in the local grocery stores bagged for Halloween consumption that arrived on the shelves in August.  It’s amazing how many people put those bags in their shopping carts every week until the trick or treaters arrive on the last day in October.  Those people were certainly ready for the arrival of the hoards of sugar-sucking children. 

By the last week in October the candy was marked down to half price then it disappeared for a few seconds and bins and bins of Christmas chocolate took over, nestled in with shiny decorations and ornaments.  Now I imagine the leftover Halloween candy is somewhere in the store’s storage area ready to be returned to the distributor.  Part of me instead imagines little elves perched on wooden pallets ripping open bags of candy and putting them into new bags marked for Christmas.  Then they get hired to remove the plastic covers on the boxed chocolates the day after Thanksgiving and replace it with covers depicting a jolly Christmassy graphic.  Hmm, are you thinking ahead to what to give your valentine?

Another question I have concerns sweet potatoes.  Most of us like sweet potatoes or yams but the price my local store had them for was a little pricey.  Lo and behold, two weeks before Thanksgiving the price dropped from $1.49 a pound to $.29 a pound.  I took a good look at them sitting on a table in the produce department.  They looked just like the ones I saw the week before.  What changed?  I picked a few up to take a closer look.  I could have sworn I recognized some of them from my previous shopping trips.  I grabbed as many as I could and put them in my cart before the upper class, expensive ones that would taste so much better, returned.

Let’s talk turkey for a moment.  How many turkeys do you cook during the year?  How many do you usually see in the grocery store?  For a little over a month during this time of the year, the frozen chickens and ducks are swept away and replaced by their cousins, huge solid blocks of headless turkeys with a little piece of useless plastic embedded in its flesh and some other bird’s neck and organs stuffed up its butt.  As with the sweet potatoes, the prices drop so dramatically that you convince yourself to buy the biggest one you can lift up without the help of a derrick. 

Putting your groceries in the trunk of your vehicle and tearing out of the parking lot you think you hear a thumping sound that you just can’t place.  Not to worry.  AC/DC sounds better if you turn up the volume.  You pull into the garage and open the trunk to find fresh produce everywhere in various stages of ruination.  Asparagus squashed, blueberry and strawberry stains everywhere.  The expensive bakery goods are now mixed together and the only edible portions need to be spooned off the jumper cables that you’ve never used. Your turkey-flavored bowling ball is new resting out of reach in the farthest corner of the trunk.  After climbing into the trunk to retrieve it you realize that you are now kneeling in broken glass and rather expensive wine.

The salvage operation takes longer than anticipated as well as the glass removal from your knees.  The purple wine stains are going to remain for a while.  The grocery bags are emptied and what can be is put away.  That’s when you realize that the turkey is too big to fit on the refrigerator shelf.  Everything comes out of the fridge, the shelf is adjusted and the food gets rearranged with the turkey which will be thawing for the next week or so, taking up most of the room.  Exhaustion sets in and after a glass or two of your cheap wine, you’ll worry about things tomorrow.

Millions of people will be gathering together to share a meal with family and friends this week.   Regardless of how dry the turkey comes out or who found the giblet bag still inside; regardless of how many Brussels sprout casseroles showed up unannounced, remember that this is the time for celebration.  Compliment those who did the cooking and or cleanup.  Stay away from religion and politics.  Don’t fall asleep and snore too loudly while others are watching the game.  Stay away from those that annoy you and don’t stand around in the kitchen when others are trying to cook.  Talk to the children; they might someday be taking care of you. 

Be safe. The weather is going to be frightful and ground and air traffic will try your patience. Being late is so much better than not showing up at all.  Life is short.  Don’t waste it on petty differences or long ago spats.  Make this a time to relax, enjoy and appreciate what you’ve got and to remember those who may not be so lucky.  And, watch out for frozen turkeys falling from the sky.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Sharon